Every action has a positive intent

Sometimes people do things that surprise or even annoy me. Was it really necessary to do what they did? What were they thinking?

After my mind settles down, I remember a presupposition taught to me some years ago in a Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) course. “Every action has a positive intent”. So I look for the positive intention behind the behaviour that surprised me. 

We all have different thoughts about what happens around us. Conflict occurs when two people have differing views on a particular thought or event. 

It is tempting to try to change the other person’s mindset so they will agree with us. But this doesn’t always work. An easier path is to look for the positive outcome in their action or thought which then provides a starting point for a constructive dialogue. Even approaching someone with a view to hearing their side of the story can go a long way in helping to ease a potentially difficult situation.

This doesn’t mean that we need to agree with the person. Instead, if we hear them out and let them know our thoughts about the issue then perhaps the best result would be to agree to disagree. But at least both sides have been heard and sometimes that is all that is needed.

Anger

In my younger years, I suppressed angry thoughts to the point that I didn’t believe I could be angry. But a few people jangled my nerves enough to acquaint me with this foreign emotion. 

It isn’t good to suppress anger or any other emotion. Suppressed emotions will always find a way out in what could be an unfortunate way either externally towards others or internally resulting in health issues. It is far better to deal with the underlying cause of the anger. 

We might feel anger at ourselves or others through unreasonable behaviour or perhaps following the disappointment of a promise being broken. But feeling anger isn’t an invitation to respond immediately. Since the emotion of anger can be volatile, taking the time to determine how to handle the issue gives a better result.

I always try to see the other person’s point of view as well as my own. In Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), this would be called looking at the issue from first position (my own perspective) and second position (the other person’s perspective). It is also useful to look at an issue from third position, which involves stepping outside of the issue and looking at it as an observer would. 

Sometimes looking at an issue from these viewpoints is enough to quell the anger. The simple act of standing in the other person’s shoes or observing the issue unfold as if on a movie screen can help to reveal the part that each side has played. Even if the anger is still there, understanding an issue from all sides is always beneficial and a great way to prepare for a discussion about what has happened.

 I have found the best way to handle someone being angry with me is to almost match their level of anger. If I respond quietly then the other person might perpetuate the behavior. Almost but not quite matching their anger puts me on level footing with them and from there I can tone down my response so that we can resolve the issue. 

I liked my gentler approach in earlier years as it felt easier to maintain harmonious relationships. But as the occurrence of significant issues became more frequent, I knew that I must deal with them. I still feel some resistance when approaching a difficult topic. But I also remember how disastrously events can turn out when underlying issues aren’t resolved. 

Angry words are no longer a reason for me to flee. Instead they are an opportunity for reconciliation. But please don’t cry wolf and get angry with me for no good reason. I still aspire to the gentler life and appreciate it when others conspire with me to make it happen.