Anger

In my younger years, I suppressed angry thoughts to the point that I didn’t believe I could be angry. But a few people jangled my nerves enough to acquaint me with this foreign emotion. 

It isn’t good to suppress anger or any other emotion. Suppressed emotions will always find a way out in what could be an unfortunate way either externally towards others or internally resulting in health issues. It is far better to deal with the underlying cause of the anger. 

We might feel anger at ourselves or others through unreasonable behaviour or perhaps following the disappointment of a promise being broken. But feeling anger isn’t an invitation to respond immediately. Since the emotion of anger can be volatile, taking the time to determine how to handle the issue gives a better result.

I always try to see the other person’s point of view as well as my own. In Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), this would be called looking at the issue from first position (my own perspective) and second position (the other person’s perspective). It is also useful to look at an issue from third position, which involves stepping outside of the issue and looking at it as an observer would. 

Sometimes looking at an issue from these viewpoints is enough to quell the anger. The simple act of standing in the other person’s shoes or observing the issue unfold as if on a movie screen can help to reveal the part that each side has played. Even if the anger is still there, understanding an issue from all sides is always beneficial and a great way to prepare for a discussion about what has happened.

 I have found the best way to handle someone being angry with me is to almost match their level of anger. If I respond quietly then the other person might perpetuate the behavior. Almost but not quite matching their anger puts me on level footing with them and from there I can tone down my response so that we can resolve the issue. 

I liked my gentler approach in earlier years as it felt easier to maintain harmonious relationships. But as the occurrence of significant issues became more frequent, I knew that I must deal with them. I still feel some resistance when approaching a difficult topic. But I also remember how disastrously events can turn out when underlying issues aren’t resolved. 

Angry words are no longer a reason for me to flee. Instead they are an opportunity for reconciliation. But please don’t cry wolf and get angry with me for no good reason. I still aspire to the gentler life and appreciate it when others conspire with me to make it happen.

Road rage

Somebody cut me off when I tried to merge into the other lane and I felt angry. Cars parked ahead blocked my lane and generally the person in the other lane will slow down to allow me to merge in, but not this time. 

Somehow I had developed an expectation that this would happen – that people would be as courteous towards me as I am towards them – and I had to rewrite that expectation. I also remembered the rare occasions when my good manners deserted me, whether from having too much on my mind or feeling fractious about an earlier occurrence. 
 

I realise that it’s insane to assume that everybody will “do the right thing” by each other. The Golden Rule says to “do unto others as you would have them do unto you”. It’s the ultimate guide in how to be in harmony with other people, and yet it’s highly unlikely that anyone can be in that place all the time.    

I’ve accepted that it only affects me if I hold onto anger or any other negative feeling about how someone else treats me. They move onto their next social engagement or experience possibly without considering how I felt. If I hold onto the anger then I’m stuck and they’re free. It’s a stretch to let the anger go but it feels so much better afterwards.    

Experiencing Byron Katie’s work has really helped in letting such emotions go. A simple question of “Is it true?” to a grumble that the other driver should have allowed me to merge would have me admitting that it isn’t true as I have no idea what the other driver’s state of mind was at the time. Perhaps the road or weather conditions required such a slow response or maybe it was the best the driver could do at the time.   

I first heard about Byron Katie at a Relaxation Centre film night. While driving home the car in front of me was going slow which gave me the perfect opportunity to practice what I had been listening to that night. I wanted to protest that the other driver was driving too slowly but I heard the question “Is it true?” in my brain and knew I couldn’t respond positively.    

It was the beginning of a six month journey listening to tapes and watching videos of Byron Katie’s work which was a great leveler. Other followers of Byron Katie’s work have commented that after a while the appropriate responses come naturally to them, which I certainly found. There is, of course, so much more to her work than these three little words, but asking “Is it true?” is a great first step in checking out a negative feeling.