Missing Out

An issue seems to be bubbling to the surface that I need to deal with.  A few times in the past week I have felt like I was missing out on something, and the first two times I reacted badly. 

To a Virgo who is almost pedantically precise, missing out doesn’t make sense. If I ensure that other people around me are treated fairly then can’t I expect the same? I seem to keep forgetting that life isn’t always fair. Just because I’ve made sure that all the people before me are served does not mean that I will be treated the same way by others who arrive after me. Byron Katie would be amazed that I still retain these crazy notions. After all, it doesn’t fit with reality. 

So I’m working with myself to redefine my expectations. The phrase “You win some, you lose some” probably says it all, with The Free Dictionary’s explanation being: “You cannot always succeed”. I get that. Sometimes life will be fair to me and other times it won’t. Now I just need to remember it next time I notice that the scales are skewed against me.

Road rage

Somebody cut me off when I tried to merge into the other lane and I felt angry. Cars parked ahead blocked my lane and generally the person in the other lane will slow down to allow me to merge in, but not this time. 

Somehow I had developed an expectation that this would happen – that people would be as courteous towards me as I am towards them – and I had to rewrite that expectation. I also remembered the rare occasions when my good manners deserted me, whether from having too much on my mind or feeling fractious about an earlier occurrence. 
 

I realise that it’s insane to assume that everybody will “do the right thing” by each other. The Golden Rule says to “do unto others as you would have them do unto you”. It’s the ultimate guide in how to be in harmony with other people, and yet it’s highly unlikely that anyone can be in that place all the time.    

I’ve accepted that it only affects me if I hold onto anger or any other negative feeling about how someone else treats me. They move onto their next social engagement or experience possibly without considering how I felt. If I hold onto the anger then I’m stuck and they’re free. It’s a stretch to let the anger go but it feels so much better afterwards.    

Experiencing Byron Katie’s work has really helped in letting such emotions go. A simple question of “Is it true?” to a grumble that the other driver should have allowed me to merge would have me admitting that it isn’t true as I have no idea what the other driver’s state of mind was at the time. Perhaps the road or weather conditions required such a slow response or maybe it was the best the driver could do at the time.   

I first heard about Byron Katie at a Relaxation Centre film night. While driving home the car in front of me was going slow which gave me the perfect opportunity to practice what I had been listening to that night. I wanted to protest that the other driver was driving too slowly but I heard the question “Is it true?” in my brain and knew I couldn’t respond positively.    

It was the beginning of a six month journey listening to tapes and watching videos of Byron Katie’s work which was a great leveler. Other followers of Byron Katie’s work have commented that after a while the appropriate responses come naturally to them, which I certainly found. There is, of course, so much more to her work than these three little words, but asking “Is it true?” is a great first step in checking out a negative feeling.